to my grampa

gramps was sent to the hospice a week ago. he was in a bad shape, and needed professional help. but things arent looking good. visited him yesterday with my mom. he was still conscious. his eyes were still very much alive. he recognized mom. but he struggled to recall me. mom visited him today. there were only blank stares....almost lifeless. he has got viral infection, bedsores, refuses food. 

it is imminent we were told. he is in his late eighties. i love my gramps. 

he always treated me like his favorite grandson. he would always stare at me and smile. he spoke only hakka, i could barely understand hakka. now he just mumbles. he gave us (my sister, bro, and me) twice the angpows he gave the other grandkids. 

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i still remember quite vividly the final days of my dear gramma. before alzheimer got to her, she was this chubby old lady who would always be concerned on whether we (the kids) were hungry or not. my mom told me, they lived thru a hard time, food were scarce, necessities were bare. thats why she wants to make sure we (the kids) are always well fed. 

my greatest regret was being unable to converse with my gramma. she spoke hakka, pure hakka. i couldnt understand enough to even make out what she wanted 
to say to me everytime. i would just smile, and run away. gramma must have thought i was autistic! hahaa.... but she loved me. she loved us most (siblings). maybe because she only got to see us a couple of times at most in a year as we lived in alor star. we loved her very much too. once we (my father, my siblings & me) had to send her to an aunt's house nearby. my mom (the only one who could speak hakka under our roof) was not with us. the only 
hakka word i could muster from my vocab was "heh ah", which loosely translate to "yes ar?". gramma 
asked questions, trying to start a conversation with us i'm sure. and i would just reply "heh ah, heh ah.."....."heh ah..heh ah". she directed questions to my father, sister, brother....they all did 
what i did. hahahaa.....it was the longest journey. and my gramma must have been completely bewildered!

alzheimer consumed her. she started to forget things, faces, places.... she would talk to the "guy" in the tv. she would get lost in her own house. she was living in her own world. she started losing weight drastically. i knew things arent getting better.

i remember i brought my then gf home to see her. she stared at her, and smiled. i knew gramma liked her. i knew i had her blessings.

after some time, gramma was bedridden. her body was reduced to a skeleton. and bedsores started to eat away her fragile body.

then she was gone. i made a promise before her i would marry my gf and take good care of her. i broke the only promise i made to my dearest gramma.

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i leave for penang/alor star in a few hours time....4am. i know, this could possibly be the last time for me i see my gramps alive. but i am sure he will leave all the physical sufferings behind. i am sure he is, and will be proud of me, his grandson. 

he grew up in poverty. he lived through troubled times. 

wai gong......i am proud to be your grandson.