to my grampa

gramps was sent to the hospice a week ago. he was in a bad shape, and needed professional help. but things arent looking good. visited him yesterday with my mom. he was still conscious. his eyes were still very much alive. he recognized mom. but he struggled to recall me. mom visited him today. there were only blank stares....almost lifeless. he has got viral infection, bedsores, refuses food. 

it is imminent we were told. he is in his late eighties. i love my gramps. 

he always treated me like his favorite grandson. he would always stare at me and smile. he spoke only hakka, i could barely understand hakka. now he just mumbles. he gave us (my sister, bro, and me) twice the angpows he gave the other grandkids. 

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i still remember quite vividly the final days of my dear gramma. before alzheimer got to her, she was this chubby old lady who would always be concerned on whether we (the kids) were hungry or not. my mom told me, they lived thru a hard time, food were scarce, necessities were bare. thats why she wants to make sure we (the kids) are always well fed. 

my greatest regret was being unable to converse with my gramma. she spoke hakka, pure hakka. i couldnt understand enough to even make out what she wanted 
to say to me everytime. i would just smile, and run away. gramma must have thought i was autistic! hahaa.... but she loved me. she loved us most (siblings). maybe because she only got to see us a couple of times at most in a year as we lived in alor star. we loved her very much too. once we (my father, my siblings & me) had to send her to an aunt's house nearby. my mom (the only one who could speak hakka under our roof) was not with us. the only 
hakka word i could muster from my vocab was "heh ah", which loosely translate to "yes ar?". gramma 
asked questions, trying to start a conversation with us i'm sure. and i would just reply "heh ah, heh ah.."....."heh ah..heh ah". she directed questions to my father, sister, brother....they all did 
what i did. hahahaa.....it was the longest journey. and my gramma must have been completely bewildered!

alzheimer consumed her. she started to forget things, faces, places.... she would talk to the "guy" in the tv. she would get lost in her own house. she was living in her own world. she started losing weight drastically. i knew things arent getting better.

i remember i brought my then gf home to see her. she stared at her, and smiled. i knew gramma liked her. i knew i had her blessings.

after some time, gramma was bedridden. her body was reduced to a skeleton. and bedsores started to eat away her fragile body.

then she was gone. i made a promise before her i would marry my gf and take good care of her. i broke the only promise i made to my dearest gramma.

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i leave for penang/alor star in a few hours time....4am. i know, this could possibly be the last time for me i see my gramps alive. but i am sure he will leave all the physical sufferings behind. i am sure he is, and will be proud of me, his grandson. 

he grew up in poverty. he lived through troubled times. 

wai gong......i am proud to be your grandson. 

random random random

just came back from a friend's (distant) wedding. *shh...actually i invited myself to the dinner. hahaha....coz i had nothing better to do. i hate weddings. the binding of two lovers in holy matrimony. everybody cheering for them. everybody toasting for love and bucketful of babies. couples in abundance, stealing quick glances at each other hinting "when is ours?". i put up an empty smile across my face, knowing for a fact that i probably wont have the opportunity to be on the receiving end of a marriage toast.

i propose a toast to myself. for being a gentleman. for being overly kind. and for being silly & stupid.

promises can be broken just as easily as they were made. being honorable is a foreign thing to you i'm sure.

wedding was at sentosa hotel alor star. of all weddings i've had attended in the humble town of alor star, this was probably the grandest i've seen. the happy couple arrived in a merc cls 350 brabus. i hate them already. hahahaha....thats soooo my car!!! well...not exactly....mine would be a cls 55 amg. i forgave them. we drank beer. lots of them nasty yellow fluid. i didnt get tipsy. maybe i am a good drinker, or i was a good cheat....hahahahahahaha. no offence, but food was sub standard. i had an enjoyable night nonetheless. cheers to a happy couple, and a depressed me.

2 reasons why you ppl dont see much pictures on my blog (so far), firstly being that i simply do not know how to upload a picture (not that i have the time to experiment either), secondly being that i dont have a camera phone (my z800 koink-ed), and my company camera is as busy as a rm50 prostitute. as much as i wanted to show you photos depicting my boring life, i cant.

do not let your kids come close to joining the construction field. there is no glamor. there is no obscene monetary reward. there simply is no appreciation to people like us. posh clubs and lounges are always full of patrons from the business world. business-accountancy-auditors-etc, you dont see construction engineers, you dont see surveyors.

its 1042pm. i better get back to work.

my love

so.....its been quite a while, a long while actually, since i'd written anything here. not that i don't have anything to write, but..........busy at work (the usual generic excuse).

well, seems like i would be sent to alor star to establish a satellite office for our project. what a irony, i left alor star in 1999 to study in kl, my family joined me there in kl in 2006. then now i left them to return to alor star. :) me and my family no "round". hahaha.....

i was seriously seriously considering a posting to middle east in 2005. didnt go. then in 2006 i considered a transfer to india. didnt go. after i'd left leighton, friends almost convinced me to join them in ireland, dublin. didnt go. hahahaha.... you know, many years ago, i was all readied to start a chapter in dublin just to be close to somebody i really cared for. but she had a better idea, she got hooked up with somebody else who was already there. hahaha...the parody of life.

well, eventually i chose to be relocated to bukit mertajam- gurun-alor star. i am hoping that i will end up in bukit merah though....alot of my office buddies are there.

i am always moving around.......how am i gonna find myself a girlfriend? hahahaha....... all of 26 years, i've had one failed relationship, and numerous rejections....oh...no.....not rejections to hook up...but rejections to dates. DATES!!!

i am a decent 26yr old professional...polished whenever necessary, and witty most of the time. and i cant even get a date! even the pedigree ah bengs on their pathetically souped-up kap chai get laid by more chicks! and balding ah peks with tummies bigger than samy's swiss account are alighting from their mercs and beemers with two hot chicks as armrest. certified playboys also have the lion's share of hotties literally throwing themselves into their arms begging to be fucked.
its generally acknowledged that for women to dig a guy...that guy HAS to be in at least one the categories. 1) badboy...(albeit low life), 2) rich....( i heard duh....) , 3) a pussy teaser

well....lemme see.................badboy..... what constitutes a badboy? i dont smoke, i dont hit the liquor stall, i'd never got myself involved in a fight, i dont have THE look....
rich?...hahahahhaaa......the only label of luxury i have, are the couple of gold cards i have in my wallet. i dont drive a fancy car. i dont shop on impulse.
a pussy teaser?.....ok....physically.....i am overweight despite being athletic, i have a blunt nose, my hair sux, i dun dress up well (or well enuf), i am dull in front of girls.

there! i fail miserably in every aspect of being a lady charmer...no wonder i cant secure dates and all. no wonder i was just being used as a stepping stone for richness and glamour. cant really blame her right?

despite my lacking in intimacy. i pride myself in having myself a wonderful bunch (or bunches) of loyal friends. most would say my female friends outnumbers the guys. but i guess its because i am like a gay friend who is not gay to them. hahaha.......(dont misconstrue my phrase there ya? i said "NOT GAY"!!!)...

bearrie bearrie is here......gotta take him for bukit mertajam famous char kuey tiao. i'll continue my rantings tmrw. ciao.

busy busy busy....

sorry guys..cant write as much as i like as often as i wish i could. extremely busy. and extremely frustrated with some things that are unfolding at work.

i'm keeping myself entertained by watching stephen chow's movies compilation DVDs. rm49.90 for 6 DVDs...how cheap is that! and also the '24' series which i recently completed downloading. 24 is some good shit.

heading back to kl for the weekend. kinda need a reprieve from work obligation. boozing is always happier in kl, despite the $$$$. maybe its with buddies. maybe its just me.

i'm reading this book "winning" by jack welch, a living legend of a ceo. its a good book on management. so many people i 'know' should read this, and have a good review on themselves in their present capacities.

watched 'evan almighty'? the primates opposing the screening of this movie should be sent to oprah winfrey + dr phil therapy combo. its not the best movie ever made, but it carries so much subtle messages about humanity. i absolutely love the phrase "when you pray for courage, does god give you courage or the chance to be courageous?"